Remember when Jesus was out in the desert chilling with Satan? There’s this epic showdown in Matthew 4 when Jesus get’s tempted by Satan to do these three things that would betray his relationship with God and Jesus stands firm. In his second temptation Satan tells Jesus to throw himself off the top of a high building to prove that he is the Son of God. Jesus says “You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.” Jesus knows who he is. He doesn’t need to prove it to his naysayer.

I’m not sure what to do with this but I think I am putting the Lord my God to the test. I’m not jumping off of buildings expecting God to catch me but I do often find myself looking for some more confirmation for my faith. I think a lot of people are in the same spot. Either we don’t feel confident enough in the faith we profess to refuse an alleged opportunity to “know for sure”, or we can’t profess any faith at all until we think we “know for sure.” We’re looking for some more faith and it seems like it would just be a lot easier if some kind of crazy miracle happened that was undeniable.

But undeniable crazy miracles happen occasionally and they prove to be, no matter the facts, super-deniable! We are really good at denying. If Jesus jumped off a building right in front of us and a bunch of angels appeared out of nowhere to catch him, some would never be the same and others would find a way to think it never happened, doubt their own sensory inputs even, or just forget. Jesus rose from the dead and it was immediately denied and covered up by the authorities. The disciple Thomas denied his friends’ assurances that Jesus was resurrected and Thomas refused to believe them until he saw Jesus himself. Jesus later told Thomas, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

What does he mean by that? I think it’s related to his refusal to put God to the test when he was on top of that building with Satan. Jesus wasn’t just having a Bible verse quiz off with Satan. He wasn’t just following the rules. He was demonstrating a different kind of relationship with God and exposing the inadequacy of Satan’s demand for a sign. Jesus tells Thomas that those of us who believe in Jesus’ resurrection without “undeniable” proof are more blessed. I think this is because the way we confirm our faith in God today is similar to the way Jesus did in the desert. He relates to God. He loves God. He connects to God person to person and spirit to spirit. This deeper connection is preferable to the sensory connection of “well that happened.”

Events and facts have a pretty high cache in our construction of reality. Some would say that the only things that can be described as believable are events and facts that are independently verifiable. Whether we would say that or not, this perspective sways us to some degree because it has won the day in our collective cultural mindset. You have to be an expert to say anything about anything and experts are quickly deconstructed as soon as enough people look at them. We live in a world of scrutiny. So much information, so much expectation, so much power. It easy to think that we have to figure it all out, or just say nothing, maybe believe nothing.

I’ve been a Christian for a while now and I’ve dedicated my life to extending to others the opportunity to know and be known by a God who loves them and to be saved by the connection to Jesus I have found. I say a lot. But, believe it or not, I still find this desire for a sign bouncing around inside me. I’m like a duckling quacking my head off because I need to hear that reassuring quack of my mother reminding me she’s there. I’ve never heard the voice of God like a few people did in the Bible. That would be believing because I have seen (or because I’ve heard, I guess). Instead, I believe because I am known. I believe because I know myself and I know how I have changed. I believe because my desires are shaped toward building God’s kingdom. I believe because I feel it inside. I find that faith in the quiet moments alone with God that I carve out of the morning hours before my children wake. I feel the absence when I don’t. It’s not very undeniable.

So I’m excited for the Love Feast this weekend, where we in Circle of Hope express our covenant love in Jesus and hear the stories of those led by God to partner with us in our local expression of the Body of Christ. The Love Feast is the place where I get to be a baby duckling in a sense. It’s not a booming quack from heaven, but it is a lot of words from my human brothers and sisters confirming the good news I have also received–confirming from the outside what I have known on the inside. And I guess if people stopped doing that I would indeed be in trouble, because this communal expression of our connection to Jesus and to each other is vital to my faith. I am not Jesus and my doubts are there whether I like it or not, so I’ll take the both and of my quiet interior journey and the shared stories of my community as enough.